Butterflies are Free

For so long I had been trapped in a cocoon of fear, shame, guilt and denial, knowing I had to find a way out or I would shrivel up and die. I kept trying to find a way out of the tight space I was trapped in but could find no openings and was giving up hope. Then finally I discover and obvious opening - did I have the strength to work my though it, was I able to leave this uncomfortable, miserable and yet familiar surrounding and venture into unknown and unexplored territory?

I had been abused and violated for many years by a male family friend, a person I regarded as part of my family. We had known each other since I was born, 42 years ago, and as my folks are both only children I grew up calling him and knowing him as ‘Uncle’. I cared, trusted, respected and actually loved this man as I would any of my family. I thought the World of him. The abuse began when I was ill in hospital. I tried to tell staff and family what he had one but nobody either listened or believed me - I was left totally devastated, confused and frustrated. I couldn’t cope with my confusion and not being understood, ended up cutting my wrists and was considered just ‘crazy’. My confidence and self esteem deteriorated rapidly and I became more and more withdrawn. I was obsessed with dieting and exercise, resulting in an exacerbation of anorexia/bulimia. My ‘Uncle” informed everybody he was going to ‘help’ me. He was a very prominent citizen, being highly regarded in both the political and social scene and portrayed himself as the kind, generous, dedicated, hard working businessman and was considered as a ‘city father’ with a benevolent and sincere disposition. My folks and family trusted him as much as I did and thought it was wonderful that he was offering to take me places, get involved in outside things and given opportunities that most people would never get. Being a naturally quiet person and not into the social scene, I hated these things. What made it worse was the fact he was using this as a guise - a chance to use and abuse me, knowing full well I trusted him, was extremely vulnerable and wouldn’t have the courage or strength to speak up about what he was doing. For several years the outings and ‘meetings’ became more and more frequent —on the days I didn’t see him he would stalk me or be abusive and degrading on the phone and I found I was always on my guard, continually looking over my shoulder, afraid to answer the phone and scared to leave home. When I was with him the doors were always locked and I felt both emotionally and physically imprisoned. I had no pride or dignity left - he had taken from me the thing I considered most sacred and had stripped me of the values and morals that I believed so strongly in. I couldn’t cope - how could I speak out about the treatment I was receiving when he was considered as such a gentleman with only good intentions, not to mention his high standing in society. If I refused to see him he would threaten me with suicide and self harm, telling those around him that I was his lifeline, making him able to cope with his unhappy family/marriage and his pressured work load. He made me feel he was my responsibility and I got to the stage I actually believe it and felt incredible guilt with the sob stories he would feed me if I didn’t want to see him. He had destroyed my mind as well as my body and soul. I was caught in his trap, could see no way out and took to alcohol to ‘numb’ it all out. I got to the point where life was just a blur - I cared about nothing and was merely existing, not living. It wasn’t until I collapsed and was taken to hospital that anybody realised something wasn’t ‘quite right’!!!! I was dehydrated, my liver, kidneys and stomach were giving up and I was very anaemic due to the amount of blood I was losing as a result of the abuse. Subsequently, I went through the frightening process of detox and months of rehab - I had got myself into such a sate I couldn’t even lift a fork to my mouth to feed myself I was a mess!! In rehab, I felt able to speak up about what had been happening, yet still nobody believed or really wanted to know. These things happen ‘out there’, to other people - it was too close to home. Nobody was willing to do anything about the situation. My ‘Uncle” had too much power and was able to make or break anybody that crossed him the wrong way. He was cunning, manipulative and deceitful - something else I found hard to accept after trusting him for all of my life, and this just added to my feelings of betrayal. He had everybody scared as well as fooled. Nobody wanted to know me - I was just a down and out drunk with an eating disorder - a misfit of society who had let friends and family down. I felt truly alone and was fighting my battle single handed. The ignorance and unawareness of those around me only added to my frustration and feelings of isolation.

Then on day, when I was at a very low ebb, I came across an article about the Sexual Abuse Survivors Trust and the work that they do. I was really impressed and felt a glimmer of hope that maybe this was the opening I had been looking for. I took the chance and contacted them, where I learnt that a support group was soon to start and I could join up with it, even though I was nervous and apprehensive after so long of not being believed, listened to or heard. I decided I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain. In taking the risk I feel I am finally breaking free of my ‘cocoon’!!! I am accepted, supported, understood and, most importantly, believed and heard!!! I feel free to start to fly where I want to. Although there are times when strong winds and stormy weather buffet me about and I feel a bit weather beaten. I get the strength from the support of other ‘monarchs’ to face the bad weather head on and stay on my flight path, full of optimism and hope, discovering new things and opportunities along the way. I am not alone anymore and the support and encouragement that come from being a part of SAST gives me the courage to move on. I am not crazy or bad after all - I am beginning to taste freedom!!

SAST not only stands for Sexual Abuse Survivors Trust but to me also Safety/Acceptance/Sensitivity/Trust. Monarchs fly their own paths - at the end of the day all coming back to nest in their same tree - together, safe and secure with the knowledge they are not alone and belong!

‘Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can’t’ cross a chasm in two small jumps.”

-David Lloyd George